It has always been hard for me to keep personal deadlines – whether that “personal” means truly personal or on a more professional/personal level. I always put them off and let something else take precedence.

Hence the really long list of things that I need to do and want to do. It seems that the same or similar dreams, goals and ideas keep moving on and off the list, whether it’s an actual list or just the one in my head. Right now I seem to be lacking in the motivation and inspiration departments. Previously, in my past-life as a teacher, I always complained that it was the lack of time, and by proxy the lack of motivation and inspiration, that kept me from tackling the list. But now I know it has nothing to do with time – at least real time. I know I have issues with time and have spoken about it before. But there is definitely something else going on here.

I have become the master do-nothinger. It is October the 22nd. What the hell happened to the month of October!! Granted I cooked for and planned a large party and went out of town for almost a week…not to mention the stress of being with my family. But good grief I am good at getting very little done!

And lets not forget about this wee little issue I have with money running out. The good news is that I did take a consulting job for a few weeks and earned $1000 to add to the kitty. That helps me out through the middle of December. But I know I don’t want to go back to work for anyone…at least not at a job that I don’t want to do.

What I do like to do lately is waste time. I can waste away four days like nobody’s business. I have always known that I am my own worse enemy and now I see it very clearly. I can no longer blame my job as a teacher. I am not drained or tired or sucked-dry of energy and ideas due to teaching all day. In fact, I feel GREAT! That is one thing that has been an amazing gift from the hiatus of working and resignation from teaching. I dealt with chronic fatigue for probably close to 10 years. For the last 3 or 4 I have been taking bio-identical hormones trying to treat my fatigue. They helped a little…but I didn’t feel the overwhelming relief that so many people talk about.

When I quit my job I lost my insurance (not that it paid for the hormones) but I didn’t have the money to continue the treatment so I stopped taking the hormones. You know what? I feel great! Except for allergies that I’ve had since moving to Houston, I feel really good. The only conclusion I have is that when I was teaching, being around all those people and particularly crazy teenagers all day just drained me of all my energy.

But getting back to my point…so I no longer have that issue. I can’t blame my fatigue or lack of brain cells firing on the fact that I can’t get creative. I have more energy now than I’ve had in a long long time, and yet I do nothing. Or very little.

I think I have issues with time. Seriously. It falls into a big black hole and I lose most of it every day.

Several people throughout my life have commented on how hyper-focused I can be. One past office-mate used to wonder if I were a real person – it freaked her out that I could sit and work intensely at my computer for 6+ hours without even looking up.

My boyfriend described it as me “going down the rabbit hole.” I completely lose all sense of time and space. When I come out and look up, an entire day can be gone.

So that’s a good thing, right? Creatives are used to having that happen. We NEED to have that happen  – right-brain stuff, yada yada yada. But what if we are left to our own devices?? What if there is no “assignment” or project or deadline that has been put upon us by some outside force?

Left to my own devices, I don’t know if its amazement or embarrassment at how much time I can waste and get nothing done. I suppose I should try and videotape myself to see if aliens come and kidnap me or something. Because I can have really good intentions to get things done…sit down at my computer to get said list done…look up and its 5-8 hours later….and nothing on the list is done.

I’ve tried multiple organizational systems from paper to computerized but none of them help. Not certain if its about lack of organization or just a lack of the concept of TIME or………

I think that it is I am perpetually distracted – and all things being equal – what I am distracted by is just as important, if not more so than the thing on my list. What list?? Ewwww…shiny!!