So far, so good. I’ve actually decided to keep track of all my major projects right now instead of just three. “Three” didn’t make sense. So I have written out a “snapshot” list for each deliverable or project, working backwards in time. Then took each of those steps (at least the first 2-3 snapshots in that list) and written a to do list. It’s going okay. I’m trying to time myself so I don’t get lost and spend too much time on one thing. Hopefully, I can keep this up.

I tend to focus on too many things at once so the first thing I need to do with my plan, my rules so to speak, is pare the list down to about three projects. The projects can’t be so big or so vague that they encompass everything. I know that sounds simple and nothing earth-shattering, but it IS a problem I tend to have – losing my focus, being impatient (so trying to take on too many things), then getting overwhelmed and not knowing what to do next.

So the projects need to be able to be imagined in a single snapshot, so to speak. What will it look like when I accomplish that goal? So if the snapshot of that goal’s fruition is an image of me riding a bike while on a sailboat, sailing around the world 30 lbs. lighter with a Caldecot Medal in one hand and a bag of money in the other, then I’m probably focusing on too many things. If I can’t SEE the image in the snapshot from lack of details or its out of focus, the goal is probably too vague.

So what are my three projects right now?

I have been wasting a lot of time lately, still. I seem to wander through my day getting distracted a lot. I don’t think I’m very good at self-direction, especially when there are absolutely no outside forces directing me. I like assignments and deadlines. I like working with other people and bouncing ideas off of other people. So I need to figure out a way to get more organized.

Ideally, some sort of time-keeper software would be very useful. But I need one that is more aggressive and pokes it’s head through every now and again to ask if I’m really doing what I originally set out to do; or, have I somehow gotten so hopelessly distracted that I’m looking at lawn mowers on Amazon.com — true story and trust me, I don’t mow the lawn. I’ll start researching the options and see what’s “out there.”

Also, even though I hate them, I’m going to try and figure out some sort of “to do” list system that works for me. Over the years of looking, I’ve never found anything that I like and I’ve tried a few of them.

So this is a work in progress…but I’m going to try and come up with a way to organize myself by creating and working on a small set of goals (as opposed to 100 and getting overwhelmed). The trick will be to devise a way for me to follow through with this list on a daily basis because unfortunately in the past, I’ve either lost the list, forgotten to look at it or get tired of creating it every day.

I seem to have a problem with figuring out what to do “next” and get motivated to do what needs to be done. I think they call that overwhelm, but it could also be called fear, confusion, or doubt.

Doubt – that’s a good one. I like to second guess myself into oblivion. I make a decision and instantly start to imagine all the reasons why another choice might be better or make more sense. This sort of behavior doesn’t bode well for getting much of anything productive done.

The other thing I do to sabotage myself is over-critique my work. I keep thinking that I don’t know enough or am not “good enough”. Now of course I know that is incorrect. But these are unfortunately deep-seated issues I have about my own abilities. Why do creative people do this to ourselves? It’s such a waste of time.

I have become the master do-nothinger. It is October the 22nd. What the hell happened to the month of October!! Granted I cooked for and planned a large party and went out of town for almost a week…not to mention the stress of being with my family. But good grief I am good at getting very little done!

And lets not forget about this wee little issue I have with money running out. The good news is that I did take a consulting job for a few weeks and earned $1000 to add to the kitty. That helps me out through the middle of December. But I know I don’t want to go back to work for anyone…at least not at a job that I don’t want to do.

What I do like to do lately is waste time. I can waste away four days like nobody’s business. I have always known that I am my own worse enemy and now I see it very clearly. I can no longer blame my job as a teacher. I am not drained or tired or sucked-dry of energy and ideas due to teaching all day. In fact, I feel GREAT! That is one thing that has been an amazing gift from the hiatus of working and resignation from teaching. I dealt with chronic fatigue for probably close to 10 years. For the last 3 or 4 I have been taking bio-identical hormones trying to treat my fatigue. They helped a little…but I didn’t feel the overwhelming relief that so many people talk about.

When I quit my job I lost my insurance (not that it paid for the hormones) but I didn’t have the money to continue the treatment so I stopped taking the hormones. You know what? I feel great! Except for allergies that I’ve had since moving to Houston, I feel really good. The only conclusion I have is that when I was teaching, being around all those people and particularly crazy teenagers all day just drained me of all my energy.

But getting back to my point…so I no longer have that issue. I can’t blame my fatigue or lack of brain cells firing on the fact that I can’t get creative. I have more energy now than I’ve had in a long long time, and yet I do nothing. Or very little.