I seem to have a problem with figuring out what to do “next” and get motivated to do what needs to be done. I think they call that overwhelm, but it could also be called fear, confusion, or doubt.

Doubt – that’s a good one. I like to second guess myself into oblivion. I make a decision and instantly start to imagine all the reasons why another choice might be better or make more sense. This sort of behavior doesn’t bode well for getting much of anything productive done.

The other thing I do to sabotage myself is over-critique my work. I keep thinking that I don’t know enough or am not “good enough”. Now of course I know that is incorrect. But these are unfortunately deep-seated issues I have about my own abilities. Why do creative people do this to ourselves? It’s such a waste of time.

So, did I mention that I’ve written a children’s book? I’ve actually written a couple of children’s books; and they have sat on my shelves, waiting to be illustrated for years. Now I’m certain to be prejudice, but I actually think they are good. I’ve even considered submitting them to a publisher un-illustrated since it was the illustrating part that has held me hostage for so long. But in the end, I want to be the one who does that. I don’t want to hand it over to someone else. This is about more than just making money. Albeit getting a publisher to want to publish a children’s book by an unknown author is only slightly more difficult than trying to get it published by an unknown author and illustrator.

But hell…it’s my book. I’ll illustrate it if I want to. So then, WHY DON’T I DO IT??

Remember that problem I have with too many ideas converging all at once in my brain? Well I have the same problem pretty much when trying to make up my mind about a lot of things. What style should I illustrate? Is my style appropriate for a children’s book? Should I illustrate it digitally like I want to? Or go with the more traditional media? Blah blah blah.

So I’ve actually come to a decision. I have decided the style I want to illustrate the book in and am starting to collect the needed photographs to make it happen. This weekend my significant other and I will be going around to a couple of parks and hiking trails to take some photos…he’s a very good photographer and has a very nice camera…..and is a very nice guy in that he wants to help me out by taking some photos. I love him very much for lots of good reasons.

So baby steps here. I’ve got the list of photos I need and a list of places I think we can find them.

I know this will happen from time to time. I begin to doubt myself on every level. Should I have quit my job? Why didn’t I wait until I heard more information about the new job prospects? Is this blog the stupidest thing on earth?

I sometimes can give myself whiplash in terms of how quickly I can “change my tune” on an idea or action. I’ll be all gung-ho one moment and in filled with doubts and doom the next. I know I give people around me heartburn sometimes because of how fast I can go through emotions.

Also, I tend to be introverted. It is difficult for me to put myself out there in such a public forum. I don’t want to look stupid, but fully realize that if I’m honest with myself and “the world” I may very well come off looking like a complete doofus. I have to be okay with that or else stop posting to this blog.

So why am I posting to this blog? Why am I creating a blog about all of this? What is the purpose here?

I want to keep a record of what I’m going through. I want to write it down in hopes of helping the process along. I hope that others read it and actually write their thoughts and give some encouragement along the way. I’m sure I’ll need it.

But doubts creep in and I wonder if I’ve done the right thing…am doing the right thing. And I think to myself, “I’m good at doubts. Lets do something different for a change. Let’s continue doing what I’m doing and see where it takes me.”