I tend to focus on too many things at once so the first thing I need to do with my plan, my rules so to speak, is pare the list down to about three projects. The projects can’t be so big or so vague that they encompass everything. I know that sounds simple and nothing earth-shattering, but it IS a problem I tend to have – losing my focus, being impatient (so trying to take on too many things), then getting overwhelmed and not knowing what to do next.

So the projects need to be able to be imagined in a single snapshot, so to speak. What will it look like when I accomplish that goal? So if the snapshot of that goal’s fruition is an image of me riding a bike while on a sailboat, sailing around the world 30 lbs. lighter with a Caldecot Medal in one hand and a bag of money in the other, then I’m probably focusing on too many things. If I can’t SEE the image in the snapshot from lack of details or its out of focus, the goal is probably too vague.

So what are my three projects right now?

I have been wasting a lot of time lately, still. I seem to wander through my day getting distracted a lot. I don’t think I’m very good at self-direction, especially when there are absolutely no outside forces directing me. I like assignments and deadlines. I like working with other people and bouncing ideas off of other people. So I need to figure out a way to get more organized.

Ideally, some sort of time-keeper software would be very useful. But I need one that is more aggressive and pokes it’s head through every now and again to ask if I’m really doing what I originally set out to do; or, have I somehow gotten so hopelessly distracted that I’m looking at lawn mowers on Amazon.com — true story and trust me, I don’t mow the lawn. I’ll start researching the options and see what’s “out there.”

Also, even though I hate them, I’m going to try and figure out some sort of “to do” list system that works for me. Over the years of looking, I’ve never found anything that I like and I’ve tried a few of them.

So this is a work in progress…but I’m going to try and come up with a way to organize myself by creating and working on a small set of goals (as opposed to 100 and getting overwhelmed). The trick will be to devise a way for me to follow through with this list on a daily basis because unfortunately in the past, I’ve either lost the list, forgotten to look at it or get tired of creating it every day.

It has always been hard for me to keep personal deadlines – whether that “personal” means truly personal or on a more professional/personal level. I always put them off and let something else take precedence.

Hence the really long list of things that I need to do and want to do. It seems that the same or similar dreams, goals and ideas keep moving on and off the list, whether it’s an actual list or just the one in my head. Right now I seem to be lacking in the motivation and inspiration departments. Previously, in my past-life as a teacher, I always complained that it was the lack of time, and by proxy the lack of motivation and inspiration, that kept me from tackling the list. But now I know it has nothing to do with time – at least real time. I know I have issues with time and have spoken about it before. But there is definitely something else going on here.

I seem to have a problem with figuring out what to do “next” and get motivated to do what needs to be done. I think they call that overwhelm, but it could also be called fear, confusion, or doubt.

Doubt – that’s a good one. I like to second guess myself into oblivion. I make a decision and instantly start to imagine all the reasons why another choice might be better or make more sense. This sort of behavior doesn’t bode well for getting much of anything productive done.

The other thing I do to sabotage myself is over-critique my work. I keep thinking that I don’t know enough or am not “good enough”. Now of course I know that is incorrect. But these are unfortunately deep-seated issues I have about my own abilities. Why do creative people do this to ourselves? It’s such a waste of time.

Why am I procrastinating like this? Why am I so unmotivated? What am I afraid of?

I have “moved on” from the physical thing that was holding me back (the job); but now its time to move on from and release old patterns, thoughts and emotions that no longer serve me.