…or at least a dream job for now? I mean, if I had to work for someone else and all things being equal (money, support, success, how much I liked working there) what kind of work would I like to do? I think it would be working as a multimedia developer and Flash designer for an educational media company. Think Scholastic or Encyclopedia Britannica’s online stuff for kids or brainpop.com. Problem is, the market it obviously very tight and I have very little in my portfolio that would help me get the job.

I need to add some animation and illustration work to the portfolio. Also, I think it would be a good idea to start a database of all the companies “out there.” I am limited as to where I can apply because Mark needs to be in either Houston, NYC or Chicago for his job.

Since I don’t have a degree, it probably wouldn’t hurt to get an ACE certification in either Flash or Photoshop. That’s a big one, because I’ve always sucked at standardized tests.

Can’t talk in too much detail about a new occurrence that has happened because it’s not all “mine” to tell. My significant other and I have been mulling over the creation of an online business for a number of years now. We’ve had some amazing ideas around it, but either he was too busy to help develop it {his job being all-consuming} or I was too damn tired at the end of the day from teaching.

Well, he has figured out a way to actually hire a programmer to help us with the nitty-gritty of this project. That way he is more of the architect of the project and the other guy is the programmer. Like we had always planned, I would be the designer, illustrator and artist.

It may take some weeks before we find out if this is a possibility, if the other guy will in fact be available for this, but WOW…this opened up again very unexpectedly because I had pretty much written this idea off as dead and buried.

So, its been almost a month since I’ve quit my job. I officially/unofficially have about two months remaining of money before my funds run out. Two months left of this experiment.

Question: Am I any closer to figuring out what I want for a new career? Hmmmmm not really because it depends on when you ask as to what answer I give.

I actually contemplated going back to work part-time as a consultant or trainer in my job from a few years ago. Now THAT is a fear choice. There is no freedom or joy in that. It is purely about the money. There is no creativity or inspiration, only frustration and PANIC. So I’m officially talking myself off the ledge.

Isn’t that the theme of my life? I seem to be a generator of ideas but ultimately lack the energy, motivation or wherewithal to make it happen. I think I get overwhelmed by all the possibilities and all the steps. Then I get distracted and start focusing on something else. My mind racing a hundred miles a minute. So it is constantly coming up with new ideas and “what ifs” but lacking the ability to actual figure out HOW to do it!! I’m sure I’m not the only creative person with this problem.

The other problem I have is that I can see the validity and possible success in each idea and each path. Again, I don’t have time to pursue them all…at least not all at once. So I end up running in circles trying to figure out which one, ultimately choosing none of them.

Finally, a big problem I have is fear of failure. Again, not alone in this department. I can see potential in almost all of my ideas, but can just as easily see – or should I say eventually see – the sure possibility of failure. Maybe that is why I keep jumping around from idea to idea. I think of something, get excited about it and see its potential…see it potential for total failure as well and then jump to the next idea. Maybe its not quite like that. But its just as tiring whatever form it takes.

I’ve already made a list a few days ago, but I’ll make another one – just in case there are some deletions that are needed or perhaps some needed additions.

• Children’s book author/illustrator
• Digital Artist working on commissioned portraits
• Freelance digital illustrator
• Freelance web designer, multimedia developer, illustrator and graphic designer
• Multimedia/Flash developer working for an educational publisher
• eLearning developer specializing in online courses
• Online business

Can’t say as I found out officially or anything. It’s not like I got an official rejection – but I found out today that the job prospect I was hoping for just sort of fizzled. The woman who would hire me wanted to do so, but her boss ultimately refused to provide the funds to hire another person on the team. When I hadn’t heard anything in almost two weeks, I figured a much so am not surprised.